Every Mother's Day I think about my father. I remember all the Mother's Day's we had as kids and the things my dad would do for my mom. When I got older he would do those things for me. Buy me flowers, show up with a Rhodie or Rose bush for my yard. Sometimes it was just a candy bar, sometimes earrings. You never knew. Always a hug and kiss. I miss my dad more than I can say. I envy those who have their fathers into their own ripe old age. I have some friends who lost a parent at a young age and I am grateful to have had mine father into my twenties. But that doesn't stop the ache. Recently on Facebook friends added their mom's picture in honor of Mother's Day. I added both my parents. I found myself looking at the smiling face of my father and a flood of memories came crashing in. It was nice to know that I hadn't forgotten how he looked, his laughter or his voice. It makes my heart flip flop to remember some of the teen memories and young adult memories. I sure could of used my dad's input and support on some of the adult life decisions I've had to make. I really think my life would of taken a different path if he had been here. Or maybe I would of ended up in the same place without so much heartache. who knows? Anyway, I came across a Billy Joel song that I hope one day will be how my children feel about me. As it is how I feel about my dad.
I didn't intend this blog to be sad or wistful. Nor did I intend "Cobwebs in the Corner" to be a therapy session. Sometimes things could out of our fingers that we have worked hard to seal in our brains. : )
Here is a list of things that remind me of my dad. Feel free to add your own.
Music
singing
laughing
working in the dirt
large sunflowers that are 8 feet tall
old vehicles
overalls
the smell of just cut grass
a breeze
Old Spice
"tut tut smells like rain" (and it does)
suspenders
dimples
warm hands
smile lines
a warm house
the Christmas tree lit up when I wake up in the morning
I just got done watching a video on Roger Ebert and his loss of voice. He has had Cancer which robbed him of a jaw bone . After several bouts with reconstructive surgeries failing and other complications he ended up with a loss of voice . He is quite interesting, jovial and his sense of humor suprised me. He, through other people, said some very profound things.
All of his got me to thinking...how lucky am I. I have dealt with some sad, disturbing and sketchy things in my life and sometimes even allowed myself to drown in a pitty party. Luckily, I had family and friends who were patient and caring. They allowed me to find my own way. It has been tough for sure. But so enlightening. I have not had to deal with any physical tragedies. All my tough spots were my own doing and I have since learned that it doesn't matter what you do you can always make a choice to change your choices, if that makes sense.
I have a voice. I intend to use it while I can. To help lift other people, to express an opinion, to say things of value, to yell for my kids at a ball game, to tell my family they mean everything to me. I will not use it to benefit my own temper or to devalue another human being. I keep thinking...if today were the last day I had a voice...what would I say? What would I sing? Will anyone listen?
I've often been asked "where you kids get their competitive nature?" To this I answer "oh it must be their dad" or I say "it's from spending time with an older brother." When my kids were learning to play ball the common phrase was "catch it or eat it". (Just don't let the ball get past you.)
Well, this last weekend I spent time with some friends, young and old. I mean, mature. Not old. After a wonderful dinner we decided to play a brisk game of spoons. For those of you who don't know how to play spoons, it reminds me a bit of musical chairs in that there is not enough spoons on the table for all participants. 4 cards are dealt to each person. The dealer starts discarding cards to their left and the cards go around the table until someone has 4 of a kind in their hand. That person then takes a spoon off the table. Each person must quickly grab a spoon and the person without is eliminated from the game. Each round one more spoon is taken off the table. This continues until there is only the last two and the person ending up with the spoon is the winner. Generally the by the time you get to the last two it is anticlimactic but the rounds before have hands flying everywhere! It is very exciting and noisy. Well, we played one game fairly quickly and decided to play another. It all was going rather smooth until the player next to me reached for the same spoon as me. I think he excpected me to let go. (not happening) I ended up on the floor, trying to wrangle this spoon from the young buck. Each time his hand would slip I got more determined to hold on. I started strategizing and then realized I was stratagizing about a game of spoons. Seriously? I found myself being drug across the floor. I knew his hands had to be getting tired, mine were burning and beginning to slip. His slipped. Aha! Mine! Alas though, he was stronger, younger and more determined than I .He was able to wrench the spoon from my deafeated burning hands. I laid face down on the floor like the Olympic loser and he held the now bent spoon up in the air in a statement of triumph. Never had a game of spoons been so dramatic!
So in answer to ...where do my kids get their competitive nature? well, I prefer to look at it as a will to survive , never quit and accept that sometimes ya just gotta lose with grace.
A memory was made that day.
And I'm pretty sure I'm on someone's camera being drug across the floor by a spoon.
Today is my first day blogging. How interesting that I enjoy reading what others think but have kept my own musings to myself. So not like me! I have decided that to better my own mental game I could use this as a form of therapy. It may contain quips, ideas on horoscopes, fun family facts, or just my own view on silly things I come across. I have named it Cobwebs in the Corner after an assignment I once had in high school where we had to describe what we would find in the brains of classmate that we felt fit a "stereotype". Being the smart aleck I am, I used class clown and generally had most of his brain filled with buzzing hand shakes, dumb jokes, insecurities and lots of empty space filled with cobwebs. In reality, cobwebs are a mask of those things that we don't want to discover and places in our lives we rarely visit. I have chosen to delve into mine. Scary thought. Maybe I don't want to go there. So...welcome, while I explore the Cobwebs in the Corners of my mind.
